When walking away from God was exactly what He needed me to do.
The Bible says it in so many ways, weaved through so many verses and stories, but reading Ephesians early one morning, it just really hit me, HE CHOSE ME! Knowing I would reject Him, HE CHOSE ME.
Knowing I would believe He couldn’t love me, HE. CHOSE. ME! God and His Son, Jesus, talked before creating earth and devised a plan for me. A plan to take me back to a Edenic, created, holy state through Jesus.
The Old Walk
By the time I was in my 30’s, depression seemed to have full control of me. Staying in bed for days; curtains closed, lights off, ignoring the ringing phone (cell phones not a thing, yet), had become my norm. I would call in sick to work just so I wouldn’t have to get out of bed.
I was feeling hollow; I couldn’t understand why I didn’t have a relationship. All my friends were either engaged or married (with kids) by this time. I felt alone and unloved.
I cried a lot. Not at work or around people, but at home, alone in my room. None of my friends knew about my despair.
More and more I blamed God. I believed He was the reason I was unloved. I cried out to Him, “Why am I alone?“ “Why won’t You help me?” “Why did you create me this way?”
I began believing He loved everyone but me because I was unlovable. I mean, if God can’t find anyone in the world to want to be with you, there must not be anyone who does. I was still going to church every Sabbath. Up in the front leading out at different times whenever asked.
Still, despite having many friends, every day I felt more alone than the day before. I didn’t believe He was near; at least, not to me:
“You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.”. Psalm 56:8 NLT
“The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart.” Psalms 34:18 NKJ
At this time I was living in Santa Barbara, California. Arguably, one of the most beautiful cities on the planet, yet I walked around wishing I would go to bed and not wake up. There were times I felt inclined to share a splinter of my feelings about my lack of relationship, but the responses I received were always the same:
- He promises to give you the desires of your heart, so you need to just have faith and believe
- Don’t look for a godly man
- Don’t buy 4-door cars (I promise I heard this a lot!)
- You’re intimidating to men. You need to tone yourself down
- You need to ask them out because they are shy
This is just some of the advice women would give me which only made me question myself more.
I saw a Christian therapist a few times, but felt it wasn’t helping, so I stopped going without truly giving it a chance. I wanted instant gratification. I wanted what I wanted when I wanted it and nothing more.
The Decisions
Then one day I said I’M DONE! Done pretending. Done playing church. Done with people thinking I have a relationship with a God I had really grown to hate, and who I was convinced hated me.
So, I proceeded to hurl my Bible (which I was reading daily, believe it or not) across the room, but quickly had a fear of God striking me down or something, so I decided to just place it out of sight as I spoke my DONE declaration out loud.
At first I felt weird not going to church. But Santa Barbara’s gorgeous weather and my love for long walks quickly took my mind off it. I started hanging out with my non-Christian friends more and disconnected from my church family.
I even started drinking while I was out (something I had never done before). I can’t say that Sabbaths ever felt normal during this rebellious period, but not keeping it holy became easier and easier for me. I guess I believed that not having the “burden” of going to church or reading my Bible would make me happier, even if I wasn’t dating.
I don’t know how long I went without allowing anything godly in my life, but I do know that instead of feeling free and happy, most days I still just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up. I didn’t want to kill myself; I just wanted not to exist anymore. Not to hurt anymore.
I had a cousin who lived in the bay area, and I often drove up to see her and her family. Except for the wanting to die part, I began sharing with her my struggles. She was a good listener and great support.
I would pass a meadow on the drive to her house. It looked so peaceful and tranquil. I often wanted to drive my car onto it and just lay there, fall asleep and not wake up.
Then one day, after realizing I was continuing to spiral down, not rise from feelings of despair, I, AGAIN, had had enough. I guess I was, as they say, “sick and tired of being sick and tired”.
I pulled my Bible out from where I had banished it, and gave the Lord an ultimatum.
I shouted, Bible waving in hand, “You have one more chance! I’m going to read this book, starting from the beginning, and I’d better find something in it just for me! If I don’t, I’m REALLY DONE!” (Yep…I did that…smh).
Then I sat down and started with Genesis. Chapter 1.
I read, angrily, one chapter. I decided I would read one chapter per day.
So, the next day, I did the same thing. Angrily. I read not really expecting anything and still angry with God for my lonely situation.
The Pivot
I wish I had marked the spot, chapter and verse, when the shift happened. I know I hadn’t gotten to Exodus yet and the first few chapters of Genesis I was still reading while angry. I didn’t even pray before I read. I know! Crazy!
But one day, something hit me as I was reading. I said, “These people are just like me!” For the first time I could relate to every character and every journey. I saw and understood God’s working in their lives, even during the bad times.
Before I knew it, I was reading many chapters per day. I was excited to pick up my Bible and dive into the stories I had read since I was a child. But now it was as if I was seeing everything through new lenses.
God was giving me insights I never had. I couldn’t get enough!
Then one day, I bowed in my living room, repented of my sins, and gave my heart to the Lord. I was determined to follow Him no matter my circumstances. The only way I can explain the physical feeling I had (because I had one) was that I felt brand new!
I started praying daily and fasting regularly. God was showing me more and more every day! I could honestly say I was able to hear His voice. Not audibly (although, at least two times I most certainly did), but through providence, people, dreams, etc.
I started going back to church and was so happy to be there and help in any way I could.
The New Walk
It’s been over 20 years since I stayed locked in my solace, under the covers wanting to die, and I thank God! I’m not going to say I don’t get tempted, because the enemy, Satan, was not/is not happy with what I allowed the Lord to come in and do in my life.
But I now have a firm foundation which I can always draw from when the temptations come. When the enemy tries to repeat his lies as reasons for some of my difficult circumstances, I can remember what I learned during that time, that God loves me because He IS love and can’t feel any other way about me!
But He needed me to get to the end of myself, my pretending and go to Him searching/seeking Him, not just reading. My heart longed for something. I thought that was a relationship leading to marriage, but the hole my heart had was God sized.
Only He could fill it.
He doesn’t force Himself on us, but He pursues us relentlessly so we can fall on the ROCK in repentance and receive the peace that surpasses all understanding. Peace that transcends our circumstances.
I’m not saying I don’t still desire a relationship, don’t get me wrong. That’s still something I talk to Him about, but now I have my priorities in order and I don’t believe God hates me, or that He purposefully created me unlovable.
Thank you for reading this far. I just wanted to share a portion of my testimony with you. A testimony that continues to evolve because Satan and his imps are always trying to pull me back to that old road, using all their old lies.
But God is always fighting for me. He’s always fighting for you, too, friend. I hope you believe that.
You may be in a situation now that makes you believe God doesn’t love you or your family. You may even want nothing to do with Him, like I did, but I learned in His word (the Bible) and from my experience that He loves us even when we don’t love or want Him.
He sees our tears and feels our pain and longs for us to choose Him, because He chose us from the beginning.
“And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.”
Jeremiah 29:13
“Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.” James 4:8 NKJ
“And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:19
